Being Present

During yesterday's work-out, a part of me left. It went off, far away from where my body was, and it wanted nothing to do with my current activities, whether sit-ups, ball slams, or the formation of the moment. And when I say "part of me," I mean "a big part of me," for I did not want to be where I was. I did not want to be working out, even though I was aware that what I was doing was for the good of me. Despite all rationale to the contrary, I wanted to be done with it, I wanted to have the pain behind me, I wanted to be absolved of the next set of exertion.

In my departure, that escapist me played with ideas of buying real estate, having children, going to graduate school, being in bed, and playing with the dog at the park, all of which were wonderful, brilliant ideas, and all promised reward on some level. I could see clearly my intensity in advancing myself intellectually and professionally; it was possible to envision a future with two, maybe three, or maybe four, demanding but still wonderful children; would we buy a piece of land or just buy a house? So much to think about! So much to do! And all of it is so wonderful!

And then Kili enters my space. "Lift your arms up higher! Like you are doing an upper cut!" This instruction has nothing to do with where I am. I want her gone. She needs to focus on other people whose form is far worse than mine, I figure arrogantly and dismissively under the surface. I want to punch her for interrupting my vacation from the work-out. We were almost through the session, and she had to ruin my party.

But I have ruined my own party, I realize. All of this - - all of the other parts of my life to which I escaped - - could have and should have waited for me outside the gym. I should not have run to them to entertain me and distract me from my work-out. As the session was wrapping up, I felt like I had cheated myself by focusing so distantly away from my time with the group and with Kili. This is my time, after all, and it's the time I have available to me to improve my health, change my body, and define myself as an athlete. An athlete who is mentally and physically present to the world and work-out before him.
-Daniel