Daniel, You Made a Good Point.

He asked me:
What have you defined as your goals with this program? What are the differences that you see? What are you expecting out of this?

Well....
My main goal with this program is t omake sure that when 6 weeks is up I can say that no matter what condition my body is in, I am comfortable. That comfort would come from knowing that I have total control over what my body looks like. It's up to me to make those changes and push myself in order for them to happen.
Another goal is to be able to wear a cute pair of shorts in public without wanting to die. :]
I always have dreaded the summer over embarrassment of what my body looks like. That needs to end. I am going to murder it. I am in the process of doing so.
A big part of being overweight that kills me is that I feel like a failure. I feel like a failure at everything. I always need to do my best. It's a never ending problem that I can't seem to control. It's called being a perfectionist. And it seriously sucks in current time. However the results of it thus far in my life have been fantastic.


The physical differences that I see are in my thighs, hips, and waist. And of course it feels amazing to know I did that in an amount of time that flew by. I'm also seeing myself in a new light: what is truly there. The truth about what I look like. For a very long time I lived in this fog where I didn't want to believe that I am overweight. I pictured myself as this gorgeous thing that people looked at and I had an attitude about it. I can only imagine how stupid I looked. Realizing this now, I am ashamed. I have more feelings of failure and I somewhat wish that I could go back in time and change how I saw myself. That way I would have started all of the bettter eating sooner and exercise. I only think of all of the bad things I've eaten that I could have undone and all the extra pounds that I would be without today.
But that also is a bunch of nonsense and I don't want to live in a daydream.

The largest change that I'm going through is in my soul and it has been very rough. It comes with growing older. Of course all of you already know this, but I do not, because I am the youngest in our group. I've never connected with music so deeply to help me stay rooted to my thoughts and have a feeling of direct connection to something other than myself.

The hugest biggest ginormous thing that has been bringing me down are these lists I keep coming up with of things I have to do. I thought that writing these stupid ridiculous lists would help me feel better and help me stay ontop of things. Yeah right. All its been doing is overwhelming me to the max. So I have been coaching myself saying, "Jamie, c'mon. You do these kinds of things all the time, you've got this. You don't have to write lists all the time and bogg yourself down, it'll just happen." My problem is that I hate waiting for things I already know will happen!! I need to work on having more patience. For example, I've been beating myself up all night that I didn't drink more water in the past two weeks so that I could have lost more inches faster. For some reason I have a problem letting time pass sweetly and slowly. And I believe that is is derived from the feeling of lonliness and entrapment.


So these are really the things I am working on. It's funny how so much of it is mental stress that's pulled along by this huge rope attatched to all of my emotions. Scary.

- Jamie.