Some Truths

I know that it has only been a week, and that I should probably cut myself some slack, but here are some truths about how I'm feeling that is effecting my current performance in life.

1.) I have yet to do work outs or exercise outside of SWEAT360.

2.) I feel like I am falling off track with my diet.

3.) The amount of stress I have right now is making me feel like I can't breathe.

4.) I hate my job very very much.

5.) I love writing and the journal that SWEAT has provided for us is a big crutch for me right now.

6.) I realize that I have developed a habit of trying to hurry through everything that I do and to just get it over with.


Time.
What time? Where did it go?


There's so many things that I have now in a 'to do' list that any time I rty to focus on one, my mind goes totally blank. Especially when I am here at home.
Last night I had the final of an essay due by midnight that is hefty on my final grade. I spent four hours at New Seasons last night getting it done. On top of that, I had worked from 5:30a.m. to 12pm.
The day before I worked eight hours in the morning as well, luckily not as early. However when I got home my parents asked me to do a list of chores leaving no time to do my homework.
On Saturday after our workout in the morning I went home and got ready to be at work at 3. Then something very upsetting happened. At around 4pm a good friend I (used to) work with who is the one of the sweetest and most loving friends that I have was arrested for distribution. Yes, this is of course a dumbass thing. Everyone at work knew he was doing it, it was very obvious. This is why a detective had been watching him for a couple months until he could catch him in action. My friend came into the store with a look on his face that is unfamilar to me. He rushed to me and gave me a huge hug and a kiss on the cheek and said, "I'm going to jail for 5 years." What the hell was I supposed to say? What was I supposed to think? I did all that I could not to cry as he quickly told me what had happened and he rushed back outside. Of course you could think that a true friend wouldn't do something like this to the ones that they love, but he is a free spirited individual. It's just who he is. This has been very heavy on my heart. For me, being able to let this go and not let it bring me down is to mull it over until I have come to a conclusion of something like, it's for the better.

For now, the habit of hurrying through 'to do' lists that I create is going to have to slide. I know that it is important that things have good quality work, but realistically I don't currently have the time to put a lot of effort into one particular thing. Within the next two weeks, this will improve. I do not like the feeling of haste and I feel amazing when I know that I have done good quality work. But this is what I have for now. It's like settling for Sweet Tomatoes instead of Olive Garden. Even though I have never been to Olive Garden... ha ha.

I hate my job because I don't feel like I deserve the amount of money that I take home every week. I like hard labor. I enjoy pushing myself to the limits and proving to myself that I can do anything I want to. Sitting for two hours at a time waiting for customers isn't what I call 'earning your dollar'. What a derive from that when I am handed my pay check on Fridays is, "Here ya go. Thanks for looking like you do something when we all really know that you hardly do anything at all. Oh, and here's the tips that people gave you to congratulate you on getting up off your ass to serve them." The continuation of searching for a new job will be picked up again tomorrow morning. This is not morally okay with me anymore. It's insulting.

I am finding it hard to even breathe. I don't think that I have ever tried to balance taking on this many things at once that have so much significance to me, but I am doing the best that I can. I knew that when I signed up for meltdown it would be a tight fit into my schedule. I do feel guilty for not being able to completely grab the bull by the horns and that it puts me at a disadvantage, but hell will have to stop me from what I've started. I'm not going to give up.

In conclusion, wiritng all of this has let me take a deep breath. Now it's time to tackle the day.